Batman of Oz
by Elodie the Scribe
Summary: So...what happens when the characters and I get together to reenact the old classic, "Wizard of Oz"? Joker-y goodness, Rachel bashing, and very weird humor. Enjoy!


_Hi. This story is more or less for the heck of it. Please, tell me if I'm funny or not so I know if I should persue this type of story. And be warned, this story features heavy Rachel bashing--for some reason, I can't stand her. **Please also tell me what parts are the funniest, at least to you, just so I know. **I am planning to do another one similiar to it around Christmas time, but for now..._

_Enjoy the non-musical, somewhat bizarre version of "The Wizard of Oz" called:_

**Batman of Oz**

You, the gentle reader, pull up this story and see a mousy girl with the messiest shoulder-length hair you've ever seen walking oh so slowly down a dirt road. By her side is a little gray and white cat named Squeaky. The girl is humming _John Jacob Jingle Heimer-schmit _to herself quite happily when, outta nowhere, a comet flys down and hits her dead on.

What? Tornadoes don't happen in her small town, if you don't count the odd weather they had in May...

Okay, okay, so a comet is kinda random, but being just "zapped" to an entirely different dimension is...well, even MORE random.

Oh, the story--sorry, sorry!

Anyways, the comet turns out to be a MAGIC comet, and it transports the girl and her cat to a wonderful, colorful land known as Oz!

The girl walks around, totally confused, until a greenish, enormous bubble floats down in front of her and turns into a short man with a very prominent mustache.

"Hi," he says. "I'm Commosioner James Gordon. The munchkins want to know if you're a good girl, or if you're going to blow them to kingdom come like a villain and we all know and love?"

"Uh...did you hit your head or something, sir?" the girl blinks.

"No. I'm talking about the _munchins_. Right over there."

"Huh? Oh!" the girl says as she sees many tiny people--one of them Mini Me--staring at her from the bushes. "Er, I'm a good girl, mostly...AAAH! No, bad cat, _bad cat_!"

The next ten minutes are spent trying to stop the purring Squeaky from chewing on a screaming Mini Me's leg. Eh, cats are like that.

After the girl has her cat firmly in her arms, she turns back to Gordon.

"Anyway, I'm Katfight, and I'm sorta wanting to go home."

"Then I know just where to send you! Go to Batman."

"...come again?"

"He's the hero around these parts," Gordon explains "He'll let you know how to get home. Just follow the yellow brick road."

"Ooh, shiny," Katfight croons as she begins to walk.

But before she can go any further, there's a poof of green dust right in front of her. Katfight's eyes widen as a pretty dark-haired woman steps through with an evil smile. "So...you're going to the Batman, eh? TRY TO GET HIM FIRST?!"

Gordon jerkw Katfight away. "Stay back. This is the evil witch Rachel. She was once Batman's crush, but when he finally did the sensible thing and moved on to better things, she got miffed that she had no more control over him. So she learned dark magic and has been trying to get into Batman's pants ever since!"

What? Rachel's the only female character!

"You'll never reach Batman, I can assure you of that, little girl," Rachel smirks. "He'll always belong to ME."

"He doesn't like you that way anymore," Gordon tells her. "Get over it, you big sissy."

Rachel lets out a roar of rage and begins slapping Gordon silly. This gives Katfight to RUN for it along the yellow brick road.

A few minutes later, she's hopelessly lost.

Nope, not because of that fork in the road you're thinking about...

"C'mere, birdie! C'mere!" Katfight smiles as she holds her hands out to an enormous crow. "You're SO cute!"

Yeah. She thinks crows are cute. She's weird that way.

Well, Katfight finally gets her hands on the crow and holds it to her. It lets out a very humiliated squawk and begins thrashing around. Luckily for it, and not so luckily for Katfight, it catches the interest of two more of its unholy brethren. Seconds later, Katfight is running around screeching as three ticked off crows divebomb her. Squeaky just watches her and laughs.

Katfight, trying to find cover, ducks into a cornfield. The crows follow her, shrieking in delight at her frantic efforts to escape, until...

**Bang! Bang! Bang!**

Ouch, ouch, ouch...

Katfight looks and her eyes light up in interest as she sees a tall man dressed in a purple suit. His face is smothered in white make-up, along with black eyeliner--okay, guyliner--around his eyes and he's wearing red lipstick. She's about to say, "Wow, a metrosexual!" until she realizes he has terrible, bulging scars around his lips.

He cocks his head in apparent curiosity at her. "Hmm. You're not from here."

"Uh...how did you know?" Katfight asks as she stands, eying his smoking gun.

He grins. Wickedly. "You're too happy."

"...okay...er, do you know the way to where Batman lives?" she asks, taking a chance.

"Yup," he nods estatically. "In fact, I'm going to him right now to, uh--get some new make-up. Yeah. That's it. Make-up."

He throws back his head and laughs a high-pitched, gleeful cackle.

"Great! Can you take me to him?" Katfight asks, deciding he's kinda cute and totally ignoring the warning signs on this guy.

The man snorts. "Course not. I don't want some, uh, cyborg rat-girl as my shadow," he says, gesturing to her disheveled hair and glasses.

"Please?" Katfight begs. "I'm lost."

"Boo hoo," the man grunts. "Find your own way, cyber-rat."

Katfight scowls, hurt somewhat. "Fine, you big jerk!"

She marches away, saying, "I can take care of m--"

That's the moment she trips over a rock and lands face-first in the dirt.

Again, the man cackles. "Did you just trip over a freaking speck?"

"Shut up!"

"Relax," he giggles as he helps her up. "I've changed my mind. Seeing as how you're an imcompetent child who'd probably do like a turkey and drink rain until you drowned, you can come with me."

"Coolness," Katfight grins. "Uh, thanks...?"

"I'm...the Joker."

So, with that, the Joker and Katfight set off down the right way. Later...

"I'm HUNGRY," Katfight whines. "Isn't there anything to eat around here?"

"Will you shut up?" the Joker practically spits. "You've been saying that for the past TWENTY MINUTES!"

Katfight pouts. "Fine, I'll starve then."

Squeaky agrees, hissing at the Joker's shoulder.

The Joker glares disdainfully at her and leans over to her, than hisses just like her. Walking away, he growls, "God, I hate cats."

But suddenly his anger disapears. "Right on cue! Apple trees!"

"FINALLY!" Katfight exclaims, plopping Squeaky on the ground and running as fast as her legs could carry her.

She reaches up, snatches an apple from a nearby branch--and is instantly whacked in the face. "OW!"

A face appears on the bark, sending her an ugly scowl. "Get away from my apples."

"But I--"

"Beat it, geek!"

Katfight, from her hunger and being yelled at, becomes enraged. She brings her leg back. The Joker realizes her intentions and smiles knowingly. "Oh, Cyber-rat, I wouldn't," he sing-songs.

WHAM! Katfight kicks the tree as hard as possible.

"AAAAAH!" she screams, jumping around on one foot while she clutches the other.

The Joker doubles over laughing at her stupidity and pain, slapping his knees and make-up running from teary eyes.

But then the tree behind him strikes him on the shoulder. "What are you laughing at? You're crazy!"

"No. I'm Not," the Joker grinds out, dead serious all of a sudden.

He whips out his gun and tells Katfight, "I have a better idea."

**BANG!**

Apples roll everywhere and Katfight whoops, chasing one while the Joker begins shooting at all the other trees. "Hahaha! NOW I'm crazy!" he yells gleefully.

Katfight follows the apple until it rolls into a large, masculine hand. Blinking, Katfight looks up and sees an unconcious man on the ground before her. He's a nice-looking guy, with styled blonde hair and a strong, intelligent face. "Hello? You okay, sir?" she asks, prodding him.

The man groans and turns over, and Katfight screams. The other side of his face is badly wounded--there is no skin on it, and the what should have been red, glistening muscle-tissue is black and gravelly. Her startled cry awakens him and he screeches, too, jerking away. "What's your problem?" he snapped, miffed. "Here I am, enjoying a nap, and YOU decide to burst my personal bubble."

The Joker comes running up then, alarmed from the sound of Katfight's yelp, and grins as he seems the deformed man. "Well, hello, Two Face. Long time no see."

Two Face jumps up and growls. "Joker!"

"Katfight!" she yells, throwing her hands up in the air. They give her weirded out looks. "I thought we were introducing ourselves?"

"So...watcha doing, all alone in the big scary woods?" the Joker asks Two Face after rolling his eyes at Katfight's logic.

"Well, if you must know," Two Face sniffs a tad snobbily, "I'm going to see Batman. I, uh, need a...problem fixed. Yeah, yeah, with my dad's luck coin..."

He smirks evilly.

And Katfight, yet again, doesn't get it. "You wanna join us? We're going to Batman, too."

Two Face eyes them thoughtfully. "Well...it does get lonely walking around the forest by myself," he relents. "Okay, I'll come with. But try ANYTHING, Joker..."

"And you'll lose the other half of your face," the Joker tells him cooly, eyebrow quirked in a small threat.

After a while, the four of them are set at a comfortable pace down the road--Katfight with the Joker on her right and Two Face on her left, and they actually sigh in annoyance and let her loop her arms through theirs'. Squeaky tails behind, a sturdy walker for such a tiny animal. For a while, all is peaceful and quiet and serene...until they enter a dark, spooky part of the forest.

"Uh, guys?" Katfight gulps nervously, looking around. "Wh-where are we?"

"Your worst nightmare," the Joker breathes into her ear, but she focuses on how close he is rather than his words.

C'mon...you would too...well, if the Joker was being this friendly, anyway...

"It's just a part of the forest where the tree branches block out the sun," Two Face shrugged. "No big deal."

That's when a guy in a scarecrow mask jumps out and yells, "Booga, booga, booga!"

For a minute, the two men, the girl, and the cat all give each other looks. Then they all burst into wild laughter.

"Wh-who are--ah haha--you?" Katfight manages through a fit of giggles. "The...BOOGA man?"

This makes the Joker stop abrubtly. "Now THAT was bad."

"You mean I--I don't scare you?" the Scarecrow says, and there's something in his eyes that makes Katfight silence herself.

"Why are you running around jumping out at strangers?"

The Scarecrow wailed. "Ever since my panic serum failed, I've been trying to scare people with just my mask. BUT IT DOESN'T WORK! **I ONLY WANT ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!**"

The four take a big step back.

"And now I'm going to see Batman. I--heh, want to show him my mask," the Scarecrow tells them in a darker tone. "But now I'm lost."

"Aw, poor thing," Katfight says before the Joker or Two Face can stop her. "We're going to see Batman, if you'd like to come with us."

Before she can blink, the Scarecrow kneels down and gives her a hug. Yes, a hug. "THANK YOU!"

"Hold it," she grunts.

She briefly lifts up his mask and studies his face. Then she says with a wicked grin, "Continue."

He hugs her tighter, and it's obvious from the somewhat dreamy look in her eyes she's enjoying it.

Until the Joker pinches her on the arm and Two Face slaps the Scarecrow upside the head. They both shout at the same time, "GET A GRIP!"

Meanwhile, up in her tower, Rachel watches with immense displeasure. "Dang it, the little brat is making friends. But no matter..."

She appears in front of them, cackling. "We meet again, Katfight!"

Two Face looks over at her and gasps at her beauty, falling in love with her immediately. But the other three glare at her. "What do you want, Rachel?" the Scarecrow snarls, remembering the last time he spoke to her.

"I want the brat," she hisses. "She'll never have Batman. NEVER!"

"You're so needy," the Joker says to her. "You honestly think a teenage girl wants to seduce Batman?"

(Heh!)

"HAND HER OVER!" Rachel roars.

"No," the Joker smirks. "I don't wanna."

"Fine," Rachel huffs, slowly disapearing. "But you'll pay for this. You all will!"

"She's crazy," the Scarecrow murmurs.

But much, much later, the five see Batman's lair, the Wayne Tower, nearby as they travel. "Ooh, we're close," Katfight shouts giddily and begins running through the poppy field. After five seconds, she promptly falls over unconcious.

"Uh...is she okay?" Two Face blinks, only to realize he's the ONLY one awake, seeing as how he's only got half a nose. "...oh, crap."

"HEEEEEEELP!" he starts shouting. "HELP US!"

Elsewhere, Rachel laughs evilly. "Haha! Can't get my boy-toy if you're fast asleep, can you?"

Then, from right beside him, Gordon appears with a noseplug on. "Hey, Harvey."

"AAH!" Two Face jumps a little. "Who are you?"

"These will help," Gordon tells him, giving him a handful of more noseplugs.

Two Face looks around. "Oh, thanks, Mr...?"

But when he turns around, Gordon's gone.

He shrugs and puts a noseplug on everyone else, even Squeaky. They all yawn and wake up, a tad tazed. "Whir aw we?" Katfight says in a nasally voice.

"We're just outside the tower," Two Face yelps. "Come ON!"

So they all begin running, running, running until they finally reach the doors and start knocking. Who should open the door but billionare Bruce Wayne. "What do you want?"

"We need to see Batman," Katfight replies.

"Well, ya can't," Bruce huffs. "He's...busy."

"Oh, but please? We ALL need to see him," Katfight begs.

She nods at the others, and all pull puppy-dog faces, or try to at least. Bruce Wayne sighs. "Er, fine, come in. Batman will see you in a minute."

The group waits for about ten minutes before a pair of big double doors across the room open. "Enter," booms a loud, rough voice.

Tittering excitedly like a bunch of girls--except Squeaky, who just rolls her eyes--they all do so. They come into an enormous dark room, and high on a pedestal is...BATMAN!

He looks down at them all with a stern look. "What is it you want?"

"I wanna go home," Katfight says.

"I wanna...heh...get some make-up," the Joker sneers.

"I need you to check out my coin," Two Face smirks.

"And I want you to see if my mask scares you," the Scarecrow finished slyly.

"All right--I will fix all your problems...if you do something for me," Batman growls. "You know that the wicked witch Rachel has a broom with her right? Steal it from her and bring it to me."

"Okee-dokee," Katfight shrugs. "Let's go, guys."

The five of them began another long journey, this time to Rachel's castle. Unfortunately, she saw them in her magic globe, and sent after them her evil minions.

As they walked, they all heard a distinct 'eek, eek' noise. The Joker groaned. "Cyber-rat, what have I told you about making animal noises, hmmm?"

"That's...not me," Katfight blinks, and it's then that three dark shapes drop from the sky.

The three men's eyes widen in sheer terror.

"Oh, no," Two Face whimpers. "It's the JONAS BROTHERS, cheesy haircuts and all!"

Being unable to face the Jonas Brothers' wrath, all five begin to run around screaming their lungs out. Yes, even the Joker's scared of them. They're that evil.

The Jonas Brothers merely grin, swoop down, and procede to pound the crap out the three biggest villains in all of Oz. After they leave them all on the ground, bleeding and kinda crying, they grab Katfight's shoulders and haul her off.

"Guys? GUYS!" she yelps. "HELP!"

But it's too late, they're already taking her away to Rachel's castle! GASP!

Squeaky, being a cat, knows what to do. She sticks the Joker with one claw, making him awake and brush her away. Despite his wounds from the Jonas Brothers' fine, straight teeth and corny songs, he's able to wake the other two.

"Okay, much as I hate to admit it...we've got to save Cyber-rat. We'll never get what we want if we don't," he tells them.

They all get their guns and knives ready, than travel to the borders of the castle. They begin to wonder how to get in, when they see a whole army walking side going, "Oh-oh, oh-wee-oh, oh-oh..."

"We can knock some of them out and disguise ourselves as them," the Joker giggles. "I've done that plenty of times."

"But how?" the Scarecrow asks. "They're way down there."

"Hey, is that Squeaky?" Two Face blinks.

They watch as the small cat walks up to the army and, using her astounding cuteness, herds exactly three away. She leads them behind a great rock close to the villains. They're about to leap out and attack, when they hear this:

"Me-OW!"

SMACK! "Aaah, it's rabid, it's rabid!"

"Grrrr-rlll!"

WHAM, SCRATCH, POW!

"Get it off me!"

"Mommy!"

Then...bone-chilling silence. The three somewhat nervously see Squeaky sitting on top of the three now unconcious, badly brusied soldiers, their clothes already off. She's cleaning her claws, looking absolutely adorable. The three look at each other and mouth, "Wow."

Moments later, the Joker, the Scarecrow and Two Face all catch up to the back of the line, fully dressed in soldier's garb and with a finally full kitty cat.

They enter the castle. "Now what?" the Scarecrow breathes to them.

"Here," says Two Face, holding out three straws. "The one to pull the shortest has to go and get Katfight."

The Joker groans as he loses. "Dang! I'll go, then. You two...play."

He runs up the stairs as Two Face and the Scarecrow turn the soldiers, smile, and lower their guns...

The Joker, eventually, is able to make out an odd sound from one of the upstairs rooms: "I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss, and a prince I'm hoping comes with this..."

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?!"

He grinned and opens the door. There stands Rachel, screaming at Katfight in a cage. Katfight looks quite please with herself. "What's the matter, Roach-el? You hate Disney?"

"Again, BAD joke," the Joker purrs before opening fire.

Rachel yelps and throws up a magic force field, but one bullet breaks the cage's lock and Katfight is free. She blows a rasberry at Rachel as she brushes past the Joker into the hallway. "Crazy scum," Rachel spits at the Joker before teleporting him and Katfight into the midst of the army, thinking that would take care of them quick.

But when she gets there, all the soldiers are...well, not dead, they just have really big boo-boos. This is rated T, ya know. The three villains and Katfight shoot her triumphant looks. "Now hand over the broom," Katfight demands.

"NEVER!" Rachel snaps and shoots beams at them through her fingers.

"Run," the Joker says, heading for the exit.

"But, the broomstick..."

"I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" the Joker screams, getting more and more excited. "Run, run, run!"

Rachel laughs as they all follow the Joker outside. "Ha! COWARDS! You're all stupid!"

That's when, out of range, the Joker presses the button on the detonator.

"Ooooooh," the group sighs as Rachel and her castle explode.

"When did you rig explosives?" Two Face wants to know.

"I work fast."

"But we ARE idiots," Katfight grinds out. "WE JUST BLEW UP THE BROOM!"

"...oh," the Joker says, eye twitching.

There's a sudden wooshing noise, and then with a loud thwack, a broom lands right beside them. They all blink in surprise. "That's...convenient," the Scarecrow mutters.

They travel back to the castle, immensely happy with their prize. They barge into Wayne Manor. "Yo, Batman!" Katfight shouts. "We did it!"

"Is that so?"

Katfight nearly jumps into one of the men's arms as Batman appears. "Um, y-yeah," she says. "Now give us what we all want."

"Can't," Batman grunts.

"...why not?"

He gestures to the other three. "They want to kill me."

Katfight snorts. "No they don't. Right, guys?"

When she turns to look at them, her smile disapears at their sheepish grins. "Oh, you are all--"

"I'm going make this place go sky high!" the Joker laughs.

"I'll shoot you in the head!" Two Face joins in.

"...I'll just punch you," the Scarecrow shrugs.

Katfight rolls her eyes. "Men."

"But I can help you," Batman says to her. "I can send you home in...the BATMOBILE!"

An enormous tank-like car burst through the wall then, stopping in front of the awed five. "Whoaa..."

"Just put in the coordinates of your home and you're all set," Batman smiles.

"Thanks!" Katfight chirps. "Bye guys!"

But as she hops into the car, the Joker suddenly yells, "HEY, IS THAT A NAKED LADY?"

Batman's eyes light up and he whirls around. "Oh, where?!"

All three villains clamber into the Batmobile. "Drive, drive, DRIVE!" the Joker yells.

"WHOOOO!" Katfight shrieks as she pushes the pedal to the metal and bursts through another wall.

"Going...into...hyper-speed," she breathes as she presses a button, and suddenly all five are thrown back.

When the Batmobile stops, they all lurch forward, and Katfight is thrown through the front window. She lands with a grunt just about where she was hit by the comet. The three men crowd around her. "You okay?" Two Face asks.

"Wow...I just had the oddest dream," Katfight coughs. "Y-you were in it...and you...and...so were you..."

At the same time, they all roll their eyes and stand. "Yeah, she's okay," the Joker grumbles.

"No, seriously. I mean, you were all in a dimly lit room on this enormous bed, and Two Face had his coin, and the Joker his knife, and the Scarecrow had a whip and--"

"WHOA! Stop RIGHT there!" the Scarecrow blurts out.

They look at him. Katfight sighs. "Perv. You didn't do anything except engage in this big, epic, gladiator-type battle."

"Oh."

But then she grins. "Although, at the very END--"

"SHUT UP, KATFIGHT!" all three of them shriek, covering their ears and wincing.

And so, that was how Katfight came to live with three infamous bad guys in her small town.

THE END!


End file.
